When I was in 8th grade my dad allowed me to tag along as he went to run the lighting board for the show "Hair" that was playing at MCC. If you didn't know me in 8th grade let me tell you a little about me.
I was tall, really tall. I was developed, as developed as my high schoool aged sister and I was mistaken as a teacher on more than one occasion. I wore keds when everyone else was wearing filas. I walked home from school everyday and watched General Hospital religiously.
I was a nerd. A band geek. I had a crush on a boy named Chad and I didn't tell anyone because I didn't really have anyone to tell.
The good thing is that I'm different now and older and much wiser.
So, back to the story. I went with my dad to the college and for the first night I sat with him and watched what went on, on and off stage. I made my dad listen to the soundtrack to and from the college so I could memorize the songs. I sang along and I hung out backstage and passed out papers to half naked men who threw them in a fire to protest the draft. I learned from those young people. My eyes were opened at that time and my life changed. I started to speak my mind and make friends who I liked. I will never forget that week back in 1994.
I think that from that show that I "helped" with I started to become interested in drama. The arts if you will. I went to high school thinking I would marry a musician because it was ingrained in me. I listened to musicals and just knew that someday I would be living in New York with my musician husband while I performed in shows on and off Broadway. I was hooked. My eyes were star struck and the lights were twinkling. I even performed in a portion of a musical in high school for our festival of arts. I couldn't get enough of the stuff. Hair wasn't all I was into. Musicals such as West Side Story, Cats, The Phantom of the Opera, Les Miserables... I wanted to be these people, live their lives, show everyone that I could be someone.
I've changed a lot since junior high, high school and even college which was really only 7 years ago. That worldly view that my dad opened me up to was something that I thought would make me who I was to be. I loved high school and thought I could spend the rest of my life as a perpetual high school student. I didn't want it to end. I was becoming myself, or coming into myself as some would say. I had emotions I didn't know existed. I threw myself on the floor weeping when I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half because I was so full of emotion and then the next week I was probably on to another guy with better hair (I take it back, no one could have better hair than him...) I was happy.
I watched as my sister worried about college and college guys who were going to the seminary and thought, "really, is that what you want?" she did, and what I didn't know at the time was that someday I would too.
I watched "Almost Famous" when it came out in 2000 and was still a little dazed and confused about my life. I dated a few guys in college and wondered if they were "the one". I enjoyed my eclectic nature and thought I would hold onto it forever. I was who I was going to be. My heart was racing forward and I wanted to try new things. I didn't actually try, but I wanted to.
When I was young I thought I knew who I wanted to be, it revolved around a career and travel and nights out and sleeping in. I thought I was fat, boy what I didn't know...
When I was young I knew my husband, he was my friend.
He wasn't into hippie clothing and musicals, still isn't. He didn't want to live in New York and go to shows all of the time, still doesn't. I still have feelings in my heart about where we may end up, but none of them include acting on Broadway, or living in a town home in the city. Something in my brain switched. Like a light switch, not on or off, but, this or that. I didn't get this, I got that.
How do I feel about my life now, now that I'm not young?
I have my days of sadness, anger, and confusion about what exactly we're doing on this earth. My heart cries out for my children and other kids who are so innocent and haven't experienced that longing for something that was unreachable. That doesn't however stop me from encouraging them to go for it. I watched on American Idol last night a 16 year old who got to Hollywood and then didn't make it any further. Her mom said to her , "It's ok, you're only 16" and I thought, how true that is. When I was 16 a small breeze could have toppled my strong demeanor. I thought I would do it all, everything in my head made sense to me.
My husband didn't change me, I don't think, from dreaming, because I still do that, he just grounded me. I didn't think I was groundable:)
When I was young like my children are young, I didn't care, and that's what I wish for them. I don't want them to loose the innocence that I did, and we all do. I know they will too, and it will be a sad day. How do you explain to them that their dreams are not lost, just...hidden. Maybe mine are too. Maybe I have yet to become a Broadway star, oh but that would mean Eric would have to be a musician, which, if you know Eric would mean...well, I'll let you think it through.
I was tall, really tall. I was developed, as developed as my high schoool aged sister and I was mistaken as a teacher on more than one occasion. I wore keds when everyone else was wearing filas. I walked home from school everyday and watched General Hospital religiously.
I was a nerd. A band geek. I had a crush on a boy named Chad and I didn't tell anyone because I didn't really have anyone to tell.
The good thing is that I'm different now and older and much wiser.
So, back to the story. I went with my dad to the college and for the first night I sat with him and watched what went on, on and off stage. I made my dad listen to the soundtrack to and from the college so I could memorize the songs. I sang along and I hung out backstage and passed out papers to half naked men who threw them in a fire to protest the draft. I learned from those young people. My eyes were opened at that time and my life changed. I started to speak my mind and make friends who I liked. I will never forget that week back in 1994.
I think that from that show that I "helped" with I started to become interested in drama. The arts if you will. I went to high school thinking I would marry a musician because it was ingrained in me. I listened to musicals and just knew that someday I would be living in New York with my musician husband while I performed in shows on and off Broadway. I was hooked. My eyes were star struck and the lights were twinkling. I even performed in a portion of a musical in high school for our festival of arts. I couldn't get enough of the stuff. Hair wasn't all I was into. Musicals such as West Side Story, Cats, The Phantom of the Opera, Les Miserables... I wanted to be these people, live their lives, show everyone that I could be someone.
I've changed a lot since junior high, high school and even college which was really only 7 years ago. That worldly view that my dad opened me up to was something that I thought would make me who I was to be. I loved high school and thought I could spend the rest of my life as a perpetual high school student. I didn't want it to end. I was becoming myself, or coming into myself as some would say. I had emotions I didn't know existed. I threw myself on the floor weeping when I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half because I was so full of emotion and then the next week I was probably on to another guy with better hair (I take it back, no one could have better hair than him...) I was happy.
I watched as my sister worried about college and college guys who were going to the seminary and thought, "really, is that what you want?" she did, and what I didn't know at the time was that someday I would too.
I watched "Almost Famous" when it came out in 2000 and was still a little dazed and confused about my life. I dated a few guys in college and wondered if they were "the one". I enjoyed my eclectic nature and thought I would hold onto it forever. I was who I was going to be. My heart was racing forward and I wanted to try new things. I didn't actually try, but I wanted to.
When I was young I thought I knew who I wanted to be, it revolved around a career and travel and nights out and sleeping in. I thought I was fat, boy what I didn't know...
When I was young I knew my husband, he was my friend.
He wasn't into hippie clothing and musicals, still isn't. He didn't want to live in New York and go to shows all of the time, still doesn't. I still have feelings in my heart about where we may end up, but none of them include acting on Broadway, or living in a town home in the city. Something in my brain switched. Like a light switch, not on or off, but, this or that. I didn't get this, I got that.
How do I feel about my life now, now that I'm not young?
I have my days of sadness, anger, and confusion about what exactly we're doing on this earth. My heart cries out for my children and other kids who are so innocent and haven't experienced that longing for something that was unreachable. That doesn't however stop me from encouraging them to go for it. I watched on American Idol last night a 16 year old who got to Hollywood and then didn't make it any further. Her mom said to her , "It's ok, you're only 16" and I thought, how true that is. When I was 16 a small breeze could have toppled my strong demeanor. I thought I would do it all, everything in my head made sense to me.
My husband didn't change me, I don't think, from dreaming, because I still do that, he just grounded me. I didn't think I was groundable:)
When I was young like my children are young, I didn't care, and that's what I wish for them. I don't want them to loose the innocence that I did, and we all do. I know they will too, and it will be a sad day. How do you explain to them that their dreams are not lost, just...hidden. Maybe mine are too. Maybe I have yet to become a Broadway star, oh but that would mean Eric would have to be a musician, which, if you know Eric would mean...well, I'll let you think it through.
Comments
I'm SUPER glad you married Eric. I think you're more you now than you've ever been.