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thinking

so, i'm thinking and i'm letting it all out, well, not ALL, but i'm letting my brain drain right here.

i worry too much, anyone with me on this?
when i became a mother it all started to wash over me. the thoughts of death i had never had before and thoughts of my kids not liking me. my parents are getting older and i hate the thought of being too far from them. i'm living a life here, but not really LIVING, you know.

i hope this isn't IT, but i'm afraid it is. we're waiting for the next best thing and when you wait too long you start to feel like ANYTHING would be next best, and that's not always true...

grace is becoming a young girl and i like it and don't all at once. she changes me and the dynamic we have. noah is ALL BOY as they say and i have no idea how to handle him, so i worry he'll turn out "bad"

i can say that my relationship with eric probably couldn't be better than it is. we are on the same page with life issues and where we are, maybe not where we want to go, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

every day is the same and yet everything in life changes constantly, i'm afraid i'll wake from this stupor in a few years and not really know where i am or who my family is. friends? what friends? friends here or there, friends who i confide in or friends that i chat with?

i think lucy's depressed, and when a dog's depressed it depresses me, seriously they're like, the happiest creatures on earth!!

i haven't gotten into this groove like i think a lot of people i know have and it's almost comforting to know that i am not afraid to get up and go, or change on a whim. i'm not quite "stuck" yet, but it's coming, it has been coming for years now and i don't like it. we could find something else and move to someplace else and start the whole thing over again, or stay here and FORCE this thing on ourselves...

i like my life and i love my family. but which is more, like or love. will i stay to make the like love, or will i go to make the loves stronger?
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SH said…
You read my mind this morning. Please get out of my head now :)

Seriously, though - parenting is hard. And I'm worried we're doing it all wrong.

And then I look in his face and think "Yeah right - like I'm in control."

Have faith, friend.
April 22, 2010 at 8:44 AM
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