Maybe having an outlet to type my thoughts will be cathartic.....
Maybe you all know after reading that what is inevitably true. That's never gonna work.
We need people right? We need to talk and discuss and hear and understand and move forward, right?
A lot's changed, I've said this before, but REALLY, a LOT'S changed.
How do you say you've been divorced without saying you've been divorced? It was final two weeks ago exactly. It was a rough year and a half, and now it's not "better"...it's...different, but not really. My lawyer said he hears most people experiencing this emotional firestorm that it's both happy and sad all at the same time. It's like your body and mind and world trying to trick you. It's like I'm in control and completely out of control all at the same time. I can't grab ahold of myself at any one given time and I can't grab ahold of anyone else ever again without....wonder. Worry. Anxiety. Hope.
In 2021 do we hide our true selves for the blog like we do on social media? Do we let ourselves show whats's the absolute truth because we CAN'T on social media? Should we all just start sharing our real-ness with everyone so no one is confused?
The idea of a reset button is like pure gold to me. Can I reset the past, this day, my future? Like, why would anyone say I want to reset my future? Because in my 41 years of existence I realize that my future is all laid out depending on my past and even my today. My future is who I'll be, from who I was.
What I love about who I was, was that I wanted to be true. I wanted to be real and I wanted everyone to know my genuine self. What I found out about who I was, was that people didn't want to know my genuine self. They felt my real coming out and they combated it with what they thought I should be. They saw the truth coming and they shut it off without my consent. My person is not one that gets easily changed. It's all in there and it's not going anywhere any time soon. I don't flit from day to day with new thoughts and ideas. I think over looooooong periods of time and make decisions....heavily? They lay on my heart and mind for days even weeks sometimes months before I move on it. They worry me and create anxiety and cause me to lose sleep. But once I move....I'm done moving. So all that behind-the-scenes stuff, no one else gets to see. No one else is privy to that information because I'm terrified that they'll cause me to change my mind. Change my mind over this thing I've been stewing on for months. Why change now, that's so much work down the drain. But you see, those people who care about me heard the idea that they think is new, and said, um, maybe you should think on that. And I think....I have been you dummy. But in the blink of an eye, flip of a coin, snap of a finger, I'm done. I turn it all off. Which is completely unfair of me. It's not healthy and it's a real overreaction on my part. But it's what I do. It's HOW I do.
Change. I've not changed much. I was married for 18 years including the one year it took to finalize a divorce that was filed 1 year and 2 days before. My children are working through and I'm scared of my thoughts infiltrating their innocent (not really) minds. I want them to live through not stuck in.
My new blog title is somewhat of a motto. My counselor said the word resilience once to me in terms of my children, but in reality, it's for all of us. And is there such a thing as "reasonable" resilience? I'm unsure, but isn't the resilience about being and living through the "unsure" of life? It's frickin existential if you ask me. All of how it tangles up and untangles in my head is otherworldly. Like the image I get is of those birds that group and ungroup and fly together and look like one entity. They don't have a roadmap, they fly together. They trust each other.
I'd like to make the remainder of this year about me, about living and finding and exploring. But I've had a hard time of it. I don't trust myself to find me. I don't trust myself to stop before it gets bad. I don't trust the good feeling to stay for long. I'm searching and waiting for the skys to clear, along with my head. And from there I hope to be lifted from the heaviness I'm feeling.
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