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Alone

I have been alone for the night. Eric went up north with the highschool kids to kick off their new season. I was supposed to go because I'm hoping to be involved with more youth events this year and in the years to come. Eric and I both think that my involvement will help me deal with the long hours and the emotionally charged conversations we have about his job. I hope it works.
Anyway, I wasn't able to go because we have children. Let me restate that. We have children and no family or friends nearby who can or will care for them. I understand our friends who have kids and cannot really add two more for good measure, I wouldn't want to impose on them anyway.
I hate living away from family. Let me restate that too. I hate feeling like I'm just getting used to living away from family.
Eric said the other day that when he's done with his schooling that anything can happen. Other churches out of state can start calling and you never know where we might end up.
What? Why are you saying that? I thought the plan was to move back towards our homes.

Well, Eric went and I stayed. I found a sitter for a moms night out to a wedding reception that we were invited to and RSVP'd to but then Eric changed his plans and I still wanted to go. He missed out because they served saurkraut, sausage and chicken wings. I paid for it when I got home, but it was tasty.



I think that I have to lose part of myself to be who I'm turning into.
We saw our "friends" the other day, friends who we NEVER spend time with outside of church and friends who we are NOTHING like.
I feel like if I give in I'll be losing ME.
I know God has a plan that is much more intended than mine, but I would like to know if I can retrieve my former self if I choose to lose it now...

I'll let you know, but it'll be awhile.

Comments

Laura said…
Kara--I can totally relate to you. We too live far away from family who can be available to babysit and I hate asking people who probably don't want to watch our kids for various reasons. And paying a sitter all the time doesn't work.

I also struggle with my identity now (gosh it's been ten years) that Nate's job dictates a lot of my life. Two things happened that made me feel more balanced . . . 1) I finally accepted that my call is to Nate and my kids, first and foremost. Sounds easy, but that's hard when there's so many other things that peak my interest. And 2) I went back to work part-time in the area I'm passionate about --teaching.

Just know that you are not alone and I can relate to some of what you are feeling:)
September 2, 2009 at 5:02 PM
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